INTAKE
Subject Enrollment
Participate in Research
Form CRI-7701 | Revision 3.1 (2024)
Thank you for your interest in contributing to cognitive science. The Institute is currently recruiting participants for our ongoing memory processing studies. Your participation is voluntary, confidential, and—according to 94.7% of past subjects—surprisingly cathartic.
Current Status: Actively recruiting for upcoming research session. Pre-registration is now open. Spaces are limited.
What to Expect
Participant Orientation
The Experience
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Arrival & Check-In
Present yourself at the designated intake area. You will be greeted by Institute personnel in lab coats. This is normal. -
Orientation
A brief overview of the procedure will be provided. Questions are welcomed but may not be answered. -
Memory Selection
You will be asked to identify a memory you wish to process. This should be something you genuinely wouldn't mind forgetting. -
Memory Submission
Record your selected memory on the provided card. Seal it in the processing envelope. Try not to think about it too hard. -
Processing
Insert envelope into the MDU-7. Observe the processing cycle. Do not look directly into the chamber. -
Completion
The machine will indicate when processing is complete. Results may vary. Malfunctions are possible and should be considered part of the experience. -
Debrief
A brief exit interview will be conducted. Refreshments will be provided. You may leave whenever you feel ready.
Eligibility Requirements
Screening Criteria✓ ELIGIBLE
- Adults 18 years or older
- Possess at least one unwanted memory
- Willing to sign consent documentation
- Comfortable with institutional aesthetics
- Able to stand for up to 10 minutes
- Appreciate deadpan humor
✗ NOT ELIGIBLE
- Individuals under 18
- Those with no memories whatsoever
- Anyone currently being pursued by shadowy organizations (we don't need the competition)
- Individuals with pacemakers (probably fine, but let's not risk it)
- Time travelers (paradox liability)
Frequently Asked Questions
Subject InquiriesDoes this actually work?
Define "work." If you mean "does the machine actually destroy memories," the answer is REDACTED. If you mean "will I feel like something happened," 94.7% of participants report yes. The remaining 5.3% declined to comment.
Is this safe?
The MDU-7 has an excellent safety record. Zero fatalities. Some participants have reported mild side effects including temporary nostalgia, a faint smell of burnt toast, and the sensation of having forgotten something important. These typically resolve within 24-48 hours.
What kind of memories should I submit?
We recommend starting with something manageable: an embarrassing moment, a minor regret, that thing you said at a party in 2007. Please do not submit memories of crimes, classified information, or the entirety of "Bohemian Rhapsody."
What happens if the machine malfunctions?
Malfunctions are a documented feature of the MDU-7 experience. They are dramatic, theatrical, and completely intentional. Probably. In the unlikely event of an actual malfunction, Institute personnel are trained in appropriate response protocols.
Why are there Russian signs everywhere?
Historical reasons. The Institute was founded during a period of REDACTED collaboration. The signage remains for "aesthetic purposes." We find it adds to the atmosphere.
Can I get my memory back after it's processed?
No. What has been processed cannot be unprocessed. This is why we ask you to select your memory carefully. Though between us, most people don't want them back anyway.
Is this a cult?
No. Cults typically require ongoing commitment and financial contribution. We only need approximately 15 minutes of your time and one unwanted memory. There is no follow-up. Unless you want there to be.
What is "Directorate P"?
REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED. Thank you for your interest.